The Momentarian Blog

I'm just days away from the last week of my 45 year on the planet. It's been the best year of my life. Nearly every day I was free of fear and I have carved out my own unique and special path a higher power that gives me the sense of a connection I didn't know was possible.
I ran into a friend the other day and he rattled of all these things he was angry about, mostly the president and the Democrats. I could see his very essence getting eaten up before my by righteous indignation. His ego, in desperate attempt to stay in power, has gone on overdrive making him "right" about things the government is doing. 

In order for the ego to survive it must find things to be "right" about. The ego has to be right and it needs you to be wrong. The thing is, the ego and the spirit can't coexist. I am either being led by spirit or I am being led down the path of misery by the ego.

The single best definition of a "Spiritual Awakening" I"ve heard in 20 plus years of search is that it occurs with the spirit separates from ego. I don't go around needing, demanding to be right on a daily basis. I've had great success letting dumbasses be dumbasses without trading any of my piece with them. Peace is a choice, love is a miracle and gratitude is the fuel for a spirit based life. 

I spoke briefly to a woman who seemingly had something going on for herself. Recovered for decades, helping others and then she let loose on this survivalist, end of banking shit that made my mouth almost drop open. I'm sure if she noticed but I took at least to steps back because I don't like to get close enough to people steeping in fear.

I don't fear disaster, I don't fear catastrophe. I don't think there is a deadly Kodak moment coming for me anymore. From my earliest memories of being 4 or 5 and the phone call in the middle of the night came twice where my parents were informed family had died, I lived in fear. I was so frightened as a child that I don't know how I survived. I stayed awake at night guarding my family in my little kid world. I had not one person to crawl into the lap of and be comforted long enough the fear subsides.

There is a chemical in our bodies called Cortisol that is produced when human is in fear or anxious. The presence of this chemical actually causes the memory to basically burn in vivid detail the things that are happening when Cortisol is flowing. This is why my memories of my scary childhood are so vivid and fresh. 

I do not live steeped in fear today. The greatest thing that recoverying from drugs is that by tapping int the flow of creation I am not paralized with fear any more. The year of my 45th has found me stepping fully into the role of spirit having human experience and living. Living means I accept the fact that there will be easy fun peaceful times and some that arent. Labels are stupid. They limit us. What my ego says is bad or scary, my spirit knows how to use those things to expand, to deepen my faith and understanding..

Expansion. That is the final word I have on my 45 year. My spirit is now larger than fear, it is larger than unforgiveness. It is larger that being right or being pretty. It is larger than the idea that I need to pull of a great magic trick to get everyone to like or worship me. I am connected. My best year comes down to this recipe,,,,,, Forgiveness is for my benefit, what I say about others I say about myself. I don't write other peoples stories today and know one has permission to write mine. Love you when you fall short of the mark and love myself enough to do the same for me. I ask myself often , in a years time will this even be a speed bump, in 5 years will it barely even be a faint recollection. Free to love, free to try and free fail. That which doesn't kill is teaches us. Wisdom is garnered by making mistakes or thank god, learning from the mistakes of others.

My favorite quote is from Actress/Writer Carrie Fisher. "Losing your mind is a terrible thing but once it's gone it's fine, completely fine. There is no longer a part of you left that knows the rest of you is missing." I tried to kill or silence that tiny thread that still knew I was here for years. I'm glad it didn't happen. 

I've been thinking of my friend Rusty that killed himself a few weeks ago. He took an early exit. I'm ot sure if his pain was any greater than the rest of us' is, but I do know it was one of the worst waste of life I have ever seen. Had I had my way for DECADES, you all good have said the same thing about me. I havent had a drink or a drug,(including pot) in four and a half years, and that is remarkable, but the real miracle for me I have stopped trying to prove to myself and the world that I am worthless. I don't go out and try to prove that I am worthy either. I live a life based on integrity, which I learned at Narcotics Anonymous. I keep my word, I do my share, and I try with all my might to be a valuable member of the human race. Today I am asset, to my family, friends, work and to the planet full of people I will never meet. It's a connection I couldn't have comprehended experience.

 I don't believe despite NA/AA statements that "Everything happens for a reason". I do believe we can get what we need from every experience, but if i really believed there was no randomness in the world I would be depressed. The whole "Everyone has a purpose" feels like some ego driven B.S. to me. My purpose is to live here on the planet and not cause pain to those who try to love me, to put back more than I take and to take only what I need. I loved the quote on Facebook by Erma Bombeck that said something like when she dies and stands before her maker  she gets to say, "I used up EVERYTHING you gave me, I wasted nothing". I hope at the end of year 46 I have came closer to giving all away and using up every gift and talent the spirit put it me.

My dream is when the grim reaper comes for me, I have built such a lovely life filled with relationships and laughter that I beg for one more day. I bed for one more hour. I beg for 5 more minutes. I'm closer to that dream than I ever have been but I have to earn those things I mentioned being willing to fight for, that means stepping out of the box I create to keep me safe and taking chances with loving the people I come in contact with. I'm willing and showing up for human duty. 

Show up, do your best, tell the truth and let go of the results. This is advance I got twenty years ago and it helps me to this day. Let go of the results. Follow the voice of the spirit inside and ignore the voice of fear.