I've wondered all week, how long it took the Jews to over come their distrust of anyone German. I find myself with so much animosity towards the majority of Christians I come in contact with that I am just sort of tired of it. For me friends who find strength in the religion , I understand that they haven't had the experience of being completely beaten up with religion for over 35 years. I'm tired of thinking I have to justify my reasons for not believing in the dominant religion in America. I'm thankful that Christians aren't slitting the throat of those who refused to be "Saved" like they were doing just a couple hundred years ago. Am I tired of carrying this around? Yes. I'm I willing to feel differently? Yes. Do changes happen over night when dealing with life long issues. Hell to the NO. I hate being in Texas and in the south in general, because southern people of religious notions are way more demonstrative and loud and judgmental and condescending and condemning. I envy people who are called on to come up with their own higher power don't have to drudge their way through christian shit that gets muddled in the mix from others and their own past history. I just don't have it in me to believe in magical thinking where animals ride in archs and a man named Jonah hangs out in the belly of a whale. Last week I found out a close member of my recovery team was one of the magic believers of "him". I felt like I had betrayed myself. I had slept with the enemy. I have been able to speak honestly with them since. I fall in the cracks betweent, atheist, agnostic and believer. I am not 60 percent of any of those. I'm only 15 months into a recovery program and one day, I might be able to be at ease with members of the religion that beat me up, but for now I just tense up around them waiting for the glancing blow whether it comes or not.
If the Jews can get past the Nazi's , I can get past the christian fundamentalist that seep in now and then. I hope someday this isn't an issue for me. I"m not Christian, don't want anything to do with their messiah and resent people trying to infer it into my life.
