On the most rudimentary of levels I understand how my brain works when it comes to stress. Those chemicals that get produced and released in response to my surroundings, thoughts and moves.
It was a big deal when I learned that a fearful thought causes the brain to make the chemical that actually feeds another fearful thought. It's like being trapped on a treadmill when that starts happening and I have to do something, anything to break that loop.
I saw a girl have her first panic attack ever when I was in the hospital and it made me think. If I had known what was happening to me when my panic attacks began it would have made my life easier. I thought I was dying every time. Clean the dishes, hide the porn in case this really is a stroke or heart attack.
I think I almost said a prayer last night. A friend in La is having an uncomfortable time coming back to life and I asked the universe to give her strength.
This shit is hard. Anyone who expects less is in for a drubbing. It's hard to be vulnerable. It's hard to present yourself in honesty because you have no defenses if someone goes on attack.
My old tape says, when you let you guard down you will be leveled of at the knees.
But, I understand that live is lived in moments where you shields are off, free to recieve and exchange feelings, thoughts and ideas with another. Making a bond, a human connection is what life is about. Other people bring you pieces of yourself you didn't know existed, didn't know you lost, or didn't know that they were there.
