3a.m.

Been sick sin yesterday morning. I've been trying to take in the experience of a chest cold without being a smoking fool. It's been difference. Today is The 13th Anniversary of the Living Recovery Group. I'm humbled to receive such a nice welcome from it's members. I woke up at 2a with a cough so I got on the net while the AlkaSeltzer kicks in.

I'm really kind of over come with a peace and stillness at the moment and I am hoping I can ride it through my whole day. I'm really going to push myself to be a joiner today at the festivities. I can't stand on the sidelines in fear and get out of this program what I want. I am here to learn a clean way of living and to have the spirit of N.A. overhaul my life and thinking from the ground up. To get what I want I have to put myself in socially uncomfortable positions, I have to love whether or not it is returned and I must continue to extend my hand to everyone. Even the people that scare me for whatever reasons.

I'm 42, I've made monstrously bad decisions and have fucked up completely more times that I care to mention, BUT it all falls nicely under the category of how NOT to be the human I long to be. My greatest mistakes become the very platform I stand on to help others. My recovery isn't a theory. It isn't a Lifetime movie of the week. All my experiences that lead up to even this note I am pinning now are ultimately the very things that will save my life, qualify me to share with others and give me my own specialization when it comes to which newcomers I can best work with.

I've been thinking of the prayer in the AA book called the 7th step prayer that a sponsor made me memorize, it's fuzzy but it is something like, "I offer myself to the to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them my bear witness to those I would help of thy power, they glory and thy way of life, my I do thy will always."

Taking out the heavy Christian references , I am left with the beauty of surrendering to the power of the universe, having all the things that hold me back or trip me up removed, so that I can then use my super power of love to help those poor fuckers like me find a way to peace and help them find the place on the planet they too can save spirits from destruction at their own hands.

I am greatful, GRATEFUL.

Universe help me to love, forgive and heal.

ps. I CANNOT believe I remembered so much of that AA Big Book Pray. I haven't seen the book in 10 years. It's either the 7th step prayer or the 11th. It doesn't matter where it comes from only that I embody its essence.