If you look in the comment section I will explain where this came from.

HIROSHIMA ... 64 YEARS LATER!

What happened to the radiation that was supposed to last thousands of years?

Here is HIROSHIMA in 1945!

We all know that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were destroyed in August 1945 by atomic bombs.
However, most of us know very little about the progress made by the people of that land during
the past 64 years.

Here is HIROSHIMA - 64 YEARS LATER!

NOW... IN COMPARISON...

Here is DETROIT ... 64 Years later...

mediation on the first step

We admitted we were powerless over drugs and our lives have become unmanageable.

I would get a new script of Ambien or Soma and I would come up with ways I could make them last longer. I would put some in an envelope and mail it back to myself, take some out and remail it back to me again. The first experience with xanax made me feel fuzzy and soft focused, so blissful and mellow, then I would get the sugar munchies and I would eat anything sweet which was fun too. I had a secret bag of brown sugar I stashed by the couch I slept on. I would eat sugar with a spoon. Ambien made me sleep then get up and do things while asleep. I could have decided to drive somewhere and if I hadn't lived with "watchful eyes" I would have driven fucked up even though I knew one more DUI and I go to jail. My mom has the world on her shoulders and I was getting so fucked up that was frazzled to no ends. I threatened her one night and I guess I will never forget that, because I wasn't fucked up enough not remember. She grew up with mean mean drunken brothers and sisters and she was threated with her life, all her life. Now the pattern has returned with her son in the role of threatener.

I was just going to take 3 or 6 and then the bottle would be gone, I would have pissed on myself in my sleep and I would spend the next day or so looking for "stashed" pills because I just didn't believe I had taken them all. I juggled scripts and refills.

They say you can't have just one lays potato chips. I can't have just one pill. Disease takes over and I want them in mass quantities. That's the real first step to me. I know, with all the fibers of my being I have no power over pills. The cable that would allow me to take just one and leave the rest alone is not connected with me, it's like ramming a dvd into the VCR, it won't work. I liked the downers because I was trying to kill the voice inside me that still said I had a chance. The fiber, the string of life and connection to the world, would not die. It wouldn't be quieted and it wouldn't leave me alone. I never was able to take enough to make the part of me that was still human , stop reminding me that something was missing and could be found if I quit the pills.

The interesting thing was I had nearly 3 years where I didn't do drugs and I was immersed in finding spirituality, which I did. I felt great until I had a neck issue. Soma was prescribed. I took them like any good addict would and the part of me that had found peace and inspiration fell asleep instantly when I took those somas. I couldn't feel any connection at all. I went off the pills and in a month I found my peace and serenity back again. Again, I refilled the pills and this time I never got the spirituality back. It was a long months of using. I gave up and just wanted to implode. Then after a messy argument with mother and sister, I agreed to go to Brentwood.

There I made the decision that the only way I was going to have any life that I found appealing, I would have to return to a 12 step program. My counselor there told me I knew everything I needed to know to jump right into recovery and that I had insticts and intuition that was right on the money. He told me it was up to me to stop punishing myself for not being what I thought I was suppose to be. I needed to get clean, let NA remind me or teach me who I really am and why I am important to the cause of humanity. I knew NA could show me the way out of my self made misery and make something of myself that could be a benefit to others.

The first step happened to me, like a firework exploding. Suddenly I was convinced I couldn't use successfully and that any drug, will kill my sense of self, spirit and humanity. I knew I couldn't take one and figure out how to get away with it. Complete abstinence from drugs is my surest way to getting a life so great that I can't dream it up on my own, but the people in NA and the creator spirit of all that is, will match my efforts with peace and a sense of purpose and self that I couldn't even dream up for myself, let along become the dream.

4 months and no pills/downers

The testosterone treatment seems to be helping on every level. I haven't had any Soma, Ambien or Xanax in 4 months today. I haven't smoked in 2 months and I have weight watered my way through the first month. I am throwing myself into living my life and making new friends as I go. I'm in a large amount of gratitude that this really is my life.

I can't tell you how shocking it is to have a day where there doesn't seem to be enough time in it to get everything done. It's very different the prior to cleaning up the days were sooooo long.

Heaven is a place on earth.

I woke up this morning. I didn't "come to". I gently came out of my sleep and allowed my brain to orient me. I remembered I had a really great day yesterday. I took care of myself with 2 meetings, no smoking and I didn't over eat and NO DRUGS. I extended myself with truth to a trusted friend and was received lovingly. I was really "with" all the people I was actually with and I think I extended myself to a stranger. I made the most out of being a human on the 3rd rock that I could possibly be. I am proud of myself and inspired that if I do the same things today, I will wake up tomorrow and be in good position to wake up feeling like that again.

I read some inspiring notes this morning and I am filled with gratitude and hope. Those are two things that I don't come by easily. They should be the most natural things in the world to have when you are a human, like me that has so much to be thankful for. BUT, I am an addict. I see things upside down and occasionally backwards. I need other addicts to redirect my thinking on the days I simply can't find the way to peace on my own.

When I started writing music, the first thing I realized was no one can tell you you're singing a song wrong if it is your own song, truth and music your singing. I am so thankful today that I know some big truths about myself that no one can dispute. I may introduce myself to a stranger because I have been suggested to, but the connection of caring and truth is uniquely mine. Compassion is under valued in America. I know most people won't get this, but the energy that is created when I love a stranger or a friend, without expectation or motive I create a live energy that is released into the universe that feeds the source of all goodness, whatever that is, God, Buddha or a little old lady that lives in Flint Michigan who is secretly pulling all the strings.

The opposite force of love, which I think is fear will rob me of any peace, satisfaction or serenity I have when I surrender to its distrust. Fear waits for me to be dishonest and then uses my very own actions to separate me from the herd and become vulnerable. My name is Clinton Gandy. I am here for the serenity and freedom. Take my hand , we can find our way together. We can take turns being the smart one, the talented one, the pretty one until we get to the ultimate place in the heart of the universe. The place where we match calamity with serenity, despair becomes hope and peace will extinguish all fears.

My name is Clinton Gandy. I am a 42 year old human on the planet earth. I've made huge mistakes and had fantastical successes. I see, what I look for. What I focus on , expands.

Thank you for adjusting my perception yesterday. I woke up in heaven this morning.

"Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth ?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We'll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh heaven is a place on earth"...............Belinda Carlisle

All in Mutha Fuckers

At this time I don't have any idea how to be in a program of recovery except to push all my chips into the pot and go all in. It proves the quickest way for me to get relief and the huge benefits I have, I am, and I will receive. Emerson in the directions t o a new way of life quickly makes me feel better. Makes me feel a part of rather than apart. I really, honestly don't know how to do this without going ,"All in! Mutha Fuckers". I'm here for the renovation and redemption. I am in this recycling program because I'm tired of the secret ache and the slow bleed.

Im back to possibility

I've shared before that possibility as a concept means way more to me than hope. I can do something, take some action in this moment to bring about an outcome or a thing I want. If I sat around hoping to get that outcome or thing, it would be no more powerful than a childs wish. Life takes action of some sort, some kinetic motion that orders, reorders or arranges things in your desired direction. If I wanted to be a supermodel. The action I could take in this moment would be to put down the chocolate breakfast cake and go exercise, or steam clean my pores. There are so many tiny things that I can do, or do differently to cause a desired affect. Each action creates energy and the universe loves the energy that creative actions or people make. Creative energy is like the stem cell to the universe. It is the purest , strongest, most loving of all energies and it heals the planet, the universe and each of us.

I dare you, today, to do something creative, create a possibility for yourself or someone else. Let you actions create the wave that shatters the glass between you , me and creation.

and we bury a tired resentment.

Wow, had an epiphany driving today. Something in me has healed regarding religion. I had what would be akin to the "Battered Wife Syndrome" where church is. To prevent an assault, I have very proactive about striking first.

I feel very strongly about my level and approach to spirituality and I was thinking that maybe the peace and wonder I experience is the same that religious people feel at church, only they call it something different. There is way more strings with the organized stuff, but the main thing is not everyone is out to damn me and tell me all the reasons I deserve an eternity in the version of hell.

I'm frankly tired of the WELL DESERVED chip on my shoulder regarding christians. They aren't all homophobic, zealots who thrive on judgment and condemnation but the ones who get TV deals and protest at soldier's funerals are I think FUCKING MEAN ASS NUTS.

I am not meant to enter the spiritual flow through old school means, but I do believe my friends have used the churches for their entrance into the flow and we end up at the same place spiritually.

At the core of all the religions I have read about, the fundamentals of love, tolerance and service are the cornerstones. The rest seems to get mucked up the the "Business" of religion and church.

People do Fucked up stuff in the name of religion, and that is never going to change. I have changed though. I don't fear those people anymore. There is no place in my recovery life for that deep deep fear any longer.

I had to be shown. I've made friends with a couple of people who have their faith and organized services yet they are able to come into a recover centered 12 group and never once introduce the outside issue of their faith into the meeting, and I think they like me and I really like them.

When i saw one friend's post on a social network before I knew she was fond of organized worship, I was really devastated because I like her so much in the meeting but she was KooKoo Christian on a post. I talked about it and got over the fear. The experiences of your past will keep playing and playing unless you finally question it's present validity. Does this resentment fit my life or reflect my own spirit of humanity?

Really Really tired of wagging that issue around and today I have hope I'm getting somewhere. We never get anywhere holding a past against each other. We need each other to much, my actual life depends on me trusting you.

The lovely, lovely paradox is, the bigger break I give to others, the bigger the break I give myself and vice versa.

The smartest suggestion I've gotten that changes everything.

You have to decide for yourself, is the world a safe place or is it not. Is it a world of plenty or is it a world of lack.

Believe or not most of a persons action in their lives can boil down to do I inherently believe there is enough for me in the world or not. What I encounter after that decision is based on my answer.

Is there too little or enough, is it dangerous or am I safe.

that is some heavy heavy shit.