Test post from my email

Seeing iff I am even close to figure this out.

Committing without Fear.

Back in the 90's I was obsessed with figure skating. I was a fan before the Kerrigan/Harding kerfuffle but it certainly increased my attention afterwards. I was playing softball with a bunch of other gay men my age and we decided we would take ice skating lessons at the Plaza of The America's. We found enough guys from the team to form our own class so it was just the people I knew on the ice with me.

I had never skated before but I had no doubt at all that I would be "sit spinning" and "triple lutzing" in no time. While the others were hanging on to the rails I was skating along and even figured out how to skate backwards. The tedious instruction of the basic principles board me to death. When the teacher told us to take the ice and practice what we just learned, I saw this as my chance to get going real fast and try a big ole jump. I picked up speed, the cold air rushed across my face. I was Michelle Kwan. I was Scott Hamiliton. I pushed off with my legs and landed like a Roadmast Buick flat on my chest. It completely knocked the air out of my lungs and miraculously I managed to keep my chin from being opened wide up by the hard cold ice.

After that on ice catastrophe I was so filled with the fear of pain on the ice I found myself joining my friends practically still holding the side rails. I started to dread the lesson and I quit.

There have been countless things in my life where I have excelled in before I knew to be afraid.

I have lost 100 pounds twice, 70 lbs twice and 40 pounds more times than I could could. It just never occured to me that is was suppose to freak me out with such a large number to lose. It never occured to me that I couldn't do it. Losing for me is way easy compared to keeping it off.

In most sports, racing and even rodeoing, to pause because of a flash of fear can actually be deadly. My mother will start to pull out on the highway and then stop abruptly many times putting her (and ME!) in danger of being hit.

All these things just drive home the point to me of committing and not second guessing myself into the loonie bend. Ordering anything that I had to choose from a menu was torture, fearing it would not be enough, it wouldn't be as good as the other choices or that I would end up wishing I had ordered what someone else ordered.

Today, after 15 or more years of looking inward and fucking up plenty, I'm learning more and more to commit and let go of the results or make peace with the possible consequence. Commit with out fear. I am flinging myself at life on earth and I will deal with results as they happen because anticipating the worst just puts me out of play for another day.

Today I would ice skate again without crazy fear of falling. BUT BUT BUT, I wouldn't try any crazy jumps because it looked so cool on tv. (Unless I relapsed on alcohol or xanax) But that is another entry for another day.

I have one or two folks in my life who aren't going anywhere, that if I give them opportunity they will let me know why something is a bad idea or how I will fail. I love them and that is just the way they are, but what I think trumps what everyone else things. Start looking and you will see people all around that are succeeding at things just because it never crossed their mind they wouldn't. Toddlers just get up and walk one day, some crawl first and some just get up and get on about it. Because they weren't made aware that failure was a viable option. lol

Seeing Myself

I was on a backroad of sorts. It was a highway but not traveled that often. I passed a run down, rusted out , falling apart home place and there was a puppy about to leave the driveway and get on the highway. Thin would be an uderstatement. He was very clearly a puppy but to old to be counting on mother for food. He was black and filthy. He was the sort of dog that would be given bad odds at the dog shelter because he wasn't "cute".

I felt my heart breaking as I passed. The clear thought when my eyes went back to the road was. "I hope he finds someone to love. I hope he finds someone to love who can feel how good it is to have the unflappable love a dog can offer. Someone to see all the wonder and funny quirks he was born with.

It wasn't my own dog I was seeing on the roadside in my mind. It was myself I saw. It was me, with battle wounds and scars and knowing no stretch of the imagination would I be considered pretty enough to go in the front part of the dog pound.

Sometimes, when I get an extremely strong and moving example of what is capable for us to experience as humans and we don't, it really feels like a punch in the stomach. I have a full body, spirit and mind encounter with humanity about 6 or 7 times a year. They are very profound when they happen. When without trying I can experience the way things are for someone else from their point of view it is really overwhelming. When I see the now/truth without filter it scares me. I've done my best not to let feelings overwhelm me in my life because I thought they made you weak. Feelings give us humanity. I really do like "feeling" like I am part of the human race because for so long I thought I was denied at birth.

Even though I am a dirty, skinny puppy on the side of a backroad in front of a shack, I have had a taste of what is possible and that gives me hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. Sometimes the least likley to leave the pound is the first to get a home. So I stay open, don't make things worse, and look for as many new ideas as possible.

My January goal for 2009 was living bigger. Bigger ideas and bigger possibilities, because trying to stay small and inconspicuous hurt alot and nearly killed me.

ClintonUnplugged.

Don't Pick At IT, You will get it infected.

I'm thinking of wounds this morning for some reason. I had a surgery on my toe recently and I had to go through a process every night to make sure the wound didn't heal on the surface before the underneath did. The doctor said if the top heals first I could have a devil of a time with the unhealed underneath. At one visit he took what I called the tiny silver crochet hook and completely removed the new growth of skin on the top to get air back to the injury, which hurt like I couldn't believe.

For someone that was raised by a family and a peer group that was "all about the surface appearance" the problem of healing on top and ingoring the festering wound just sounded normal, frankly. I always practiced the belief that you "SAVE your face and your ass will follow". I can report here, THAT school of thought is a monstrous failure for me.

I spent a lot of time treating the symptoms of having a terribly wounded spirit. I'm toying with the connection of my toe surgery instructions to resist the appearance of progress/healing on the surface and continue to treat the source injury.

Real healing comes from the inside out not vice versa. The outside stuff comes the easiest because it requires the least amount of effort. It is most uncomfortable once you find some sort of treatment for the deep part of the wound because you just have to acknowledge it, be with it and let it take the time it needs to take in order for it to become complete again.

More than anything, I would love to move through my life on the planet without effects of a dry socketed wound of spirit leaving me to fully engaged in experiencing the experience of being a human for 70 or so years.

That is what I am thinking about at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday in Texas, in the body of a 41 year old white male, on the third rock from the sun.

Finding Center

I haven't been myself and I have not been centered. I really missed my self centeredness. Glad I'm back. I have been people watching tonight. It was a small social crowd and I just sat back and observed. I have a good aquaintance that was with us tonight. I say this without really condemning her for it, but she has a hard time being happy for other people. So I took that observation and tried it on myself. I am really glad and very happy that for all the backwards stuff I learned growing 41, that disliking the face that good has come to someone I know isn't one of those backwards things.

I had to let a friendship go with someone recently because he just couldn't be happy for people getting things, even things they earned. I believe there is plenty in the universe, and that's what i see and look for.

A huge red flag for me to check myself is when I can't be peaceful about someone else good fortune. When you start to lose weight some people go by the wayside because they can't bear the fact that you have done something great for yourself because they a haven't themselves.

I rewatched the E! True Story of Lottery Winners last week and all those people lost family and friends and spouses because their friends couldn't be happy for them with getting a piece of it themselves.

Like I said, no condemnation just oberservation. I am holding that mirror up to myself for sure.

I have the impulse where food is concerned that there is not going to be enough for me. So I buy platters that could feed an army just to make sure.

I've never been denied food and the fact I feel this way doesn't make me all that happy. I'm aware of it, which is key. I'm working on it.

The other acquaintence is in so much emotional pain that me the hypersensitive empathic codependant would really like to ask her about it. She is such a lovely person but she is clearly tormented. She engages with me and is so so likeable. I will just continue to send her good thoughts and stay open with regards to letting some of it go.

I was in love once in my life. It ended badly and I had no one to speak about it with because I didn't know anything about opening up. It took me 15 years to get over that break up because I didn't have a soul I could talk it through about without feeling like a bother.

I still have a hard time talking about the inside details but I have some direction with what to do with it now. I have not a problem listening to others go on and on, beating the dead horse of hurt but I'm not there yet taking my turn.

That's why the net is so great. You can practice with strangers.

I really like who I am. I have more cool components that pain in the ass ones. God, if you knew what progress that was you would rethink world peace and might believe it could really happen sooner than later.

This is a great email from an old college friend from 1986

Reposting email from my friend Angela.


Old Age, I decided, is a gift I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, but not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggyeyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother/father!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and lesscritical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon ? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken... How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become .. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be... And I shall eat dessert every single day. ( If I feel like it). MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRA IGHT FROM THE HEART! MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!

Putting it all together.

I recently was talking with a friend of mine who was looking for a drastic change. I told him my experience was when I got sick enough of myself i started exposing myself to as many new ideas as possible. Some ideas stuck and some were great for other people, just not me. Then I figured out to apply those things to my life and not just approach them as nice theories.



Being reprogrammed is such a long tedious experience.

Are you there god? It's me again Margret.

I've been back on Weight Watchers a while now. In my 25 year dieting history I haven't been so good to my body when I focus on removing weight. Frankly I was always very successful at the long term starvation ones. I slept late late late today had some lunch to get the calorie burning in high gear and then have been out and busy since lunch. I got home just moments ago and realized I had eaten since lunch. First instinct was to go to bed and really conserve those cals for today. Then the directive thought that has really changed my being over the last few years spoke up. I really do like my self and this body enough to prepare a meal and eat it. Not because I want it, but because a human body needs food for fuel. Isn't that a trip. When you have no self esteem you don't think thoughts like that. It's still new enough for me to log on and write it down. Look ma! No hands!

I spent some time with a very diverse group and a friend who is very hooked up with small town histories would share about about the other people while I sat next to her. There were two people that I have really come to like and I am aware that both of them have been through alot in their lives.

One lost a child fairly recently and I started to think, "Oh, I can't imagine what that it like". Then I remembered something I had said in a meeting years ago that "Pain is Pain and it Demands Respect". I'm not sure why I thought of that when I said it because on a scale of depth from 1 to 10 I was at most a 4. Because pain, emotional and physical have introduced themselves personally to me, all I have to do is see it on someone else and I have a connection that you can't fake your way into.

I think one day I will just demand that all future friends must have had immense internal emotional pain or the physical kind can also do. For those that live it and live through it, it just adds so much sparkle to how interesting I think someone is.

Now, given a redo I might be a small enough human to say "skip it" if I was magically given the choice. People who have lived a life are so much more interesting than the prom queen who got everything.

There is definately a place for all of us. If you want to sit next to me though a darkside expressed through humor is divine.

When I started listening to my inner voice, even on the smallest of things (Like which way to go to the dollar store, I got the most suprising pay off. I began to think of myself as a whole human being. It became a lot easier, a LOT easier to make decisions because I had listened to myself. The outcome became secondary to being a fully realized human being.

This is the stuff I have waited my whole like to "Get".

I am really thankful to be single, never married and no kids. I don't see how anyone can research life and keep up with all those responsibilities.

I read an article that computers and video games were stunting kids ability to learn compassion and empathy.

That was scary to me because compassion has always been my SUPERPOWER and when I couldn't muster up any caring for myself, I could always, always feel for another and try my best to make their way better. Even if it was just for a moment.


Clinton

It's really hard for me to go back and proof read anything I have written because I then start deleting sentence that make me feel exposed. So hope you can decipher this, my brain goes so fast sometimes that my hands just cannot keep up.

You Can't Tap Dance on Carpet

I took my dog to the groomer this morning. He always comes back soft and so fluffy. There is only one thing I don't enjoy about my groomer. I'm not sure if it is perfume or shampoo but it smells like those scented toilet paper rolls they used to make.

But, he didn't smell that way this time. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt she didn't realize how well she soak him in the the spray bottle. He jumped in the car, I shut the door and by the time I was inside I was completely overwhelmed with 1986 memories. That lady drench my dog in Polo, green bottle, Ralph Lauren. Does anyone remember how a little of that goes a longggg way. I had all four windows down in two blinks of Koko's eyes.

I'm writing it down, tell the groomer to perfume next time.

The scent of the cologne caused some feel good hormones to kick of in my system.

That phenomenon of sense causing a biological reaction in me is the same reason there are certain favorite foods are hard for me to eat a normal portion of or at all. One of the first things I ever made for myself was Kraft Mac/cheese. It was tasty, warm, comforting and there was a whole box of it to work on until those hormones kicked on and made me feel better. I will never understand how 4 whole servings are supposet to come from that little box. I just always made to incase someone else wanted some.

For me, the simple act of taking in noursishment has never been the same thing that people without food or weight issues deal with.

Right before I left my apartment in Dallas I was in a really dreadful place. I found a friend i had actually been through treatment with to go to my favorite Mexican joint. I of course ordered the monster platter for myself. I was talking with my friend Lori, stressing and the sat the little side plate with the cold stuff and a taco and then a hubcab sized plate that was just about one of the most spectacular sights i will ever see with the browns and golds and yellow heaped up.

All the sudden it was like someone had inject liquid valium into my veins , without even touching the food with a fork I was completely calmed, eased and peaced out.

I saw, for the very first time, clearly that food did for me what I couldn't. It made me feel safe. It made me feel centered and alive. Right before I started eating I had the moment of clarity some of my friends have had with other forms of self medicating. As the first queso covered bite of slid down my throat I heard that voice in my head say, "Clinton, you are screwed!

That was ten years ago. Food still does that for me. I can pick up the phone and fine someone to go get a bite with in 20 minutes, I could call for twenty days and would find no one to go drink with me. lol

First things first I've learned. Let's stop the behavior that is going to kill you, mame you or have you locked up. Done.

I'm left with this food thing now. I'm 41 and for 31 years this has been an issue. I ate before I ever drank, drugged or sexed my way to a faux peace.

Overeating for me is like one of the diseases that has to be managed daily like diabetes.

You know you have a bear on your ass but still when you look over your shoulder your reminded, DAMN! I've got a bear on my ass.