I recently was talking with a friend of mine who was looking for a drastic change. I told him my experience was when I got sick enough of myself i started exposing myself to as many new ideas as possible. Some ideas stuck and some were great for other people, just not me. Then I figured out to apply those things to my life and not just approach them as nice theories.
Being reprogrammed is such a long tedious experience.
Just for today
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Are you there god? It's me again Margret.
I've been back on Weight Watchers a while now. In my 25 year dieting history I haven't been so good to my body when I focus on removing weight. Frankly I was always very successful at the long term starvation ones. I slept late late late today had some lunch to get the calorie burning in high gear and then have been out and busy since lunch. I got home just moments ago and realized I had eaten since lunch. First instinct was to go to bed and really conserve those cals for today. Then the directive thought that has really changed my being over the last few years spoke up. I really do like my self and this body enough to prepare a meal and eat it. Not because I want it, but because a human body needs food for fuel. Isn't that a trip. When you have no self esteem you don't think thoughts like that. It's still new enough for me to log on and write it down. Look ma! No hands!
I spent some time with a very diverse group and a friend who is very hooked up with small town histories would share about about the other people while I sat next to her. There were two people that I have really come to like and I am aware that both of them have been through alot in their lives.
One lost a child fairly recently and I started to think, "Oh, I can't imagine what that it like". Then I remembered something I had said in a meeting years ago that "Pain is Pain and it Demands Respect". I'm not sure why I thought of that when I said it because on a scale of depth from 1 to 10 I was at most a 4. Because pain, emotional and physical have introduced themselves personally to me, all I have to do is see it on someone else and I have a connection that you can't fake your way into.
I think one day I will just demand that all future friends must have had immense internal emotional pain or the physical kind can also do. For those that live it and live through it, it just adds so much sparkle to how interesting I think someone is.
Now, given a redo I might be a small enough human to say "skip it" if I was magically given the choice. People who have lived a life are so much more interesting than the prom queen who got everything.
There is definately a place for all of us. If you want to sit next to me though a darkside expressed through humor is divine.
When I started listening to my inner voice, even on the smallest of things (Like which way to go to the dollar store, I got the most suprising pay off. I began to think of myself as a whole human being. It became a lot easier, a LOT easier to make decisions because I had listened to myself. The outcome became secondary to being a fully realized human being.
This is the stuff I have waited my whole like to "Get".
I am really thankful to be single, never married and no kids. I don't see how anyone can research life and keep up with all those responsibilities.
I read an article that computers and video games were stunting kids ability to learn compassion and empathy.
That was scary to me because compassion has always been my SUPERPOWER and when I couldn't muster up any caring for myself, I could always, always feel for another and try my best to make their way better. Even if it was just for a moment.
Clinton
It's really hard for me to go back and proof read anything I have written because I then start deleting sentence that make me feel exposed. So hope you can decipher this, my brain goes so fast sometimes that my hands just cannot keep up.
I spent some time with a very diverse group and a friend who is very hooked up with small town histories would share about about the other people while I sat next to her. There were two people that I have really come to like and I am aware that both of them have been through alot in their lives.
One lost a child fairly recently and I started to think, "Oh, I can't imagine what that it like". Then I remembered something I had said in a meeting years ago that "Pain is Pain and it Demands Respect". I'm not sure why I thought of that when I said it because on a scale of depth from 1 to 10 I was at most a 4. Because pain, emotional and physical have introduced themselves personally to me, all I have to do is see it on someone else and I have a connection that you can't fake your way into.
I think one day I will just demand that all future friends must have had immense internal emotional pain or the physical kind can also do. For those that live it and live through it, it just adds so much sparkle to how interesting I think someone is.
Now, given a redo I might be a small enough human to say "skip it" if I was magically given the choice. People who have lived a life are so much more interesting than the prom queen who got everything.
There is definately a place for all of us. If you want to sit next to me though a darkside expressed through humor is divine.
When I started listening to my inner voice, even on the smallest of things (Like which way to go to the dollar store, I got the most suprising pay off. I began to think of myself as a whole human being. It became a lot easier, a LOT easier to make decisions because I had listened to myself. The outcome became secondary to being a fully realized human being.
This is the stuff I have waited my whole like to "Get".
I am really thankful to be single, never married and no kids. I don't see how anyone can research life and keep up with all those responsibilities.
I read an article that computers and video games were stunting kids ability to learn compassion and empathy.
That was scary to me because compassion has always been my SUPERPOWER and when I couldn't muster up any caring for myself, I could always, always feel for another and try my best to make their way better. Even if it was just for a moment.
Clinton
It's really hard for me to go back and proof read anything I have written because I then start deleting sentence that make me feel exposed. So hope you can decipher this, my brain goes so fast sometimes that my hands just cannot keep up.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
You Can't Tap Dance on Carpet
I took my dog to the groomer this morning. He always comes back soft and so fluffy. There is only one thing I don't enjoy about my groomer. I'm not sure if it is perfume or shampoo but it smells like those scented toilet paper rolls they used to make.
But, he didn't smell that way this time. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt she didn't realize how well she soak him in the the spray bottle. He jumped in the car, I shut the door and by the time I was inside I was completely overwhelmed with 1986 memories. That lady drench my dog in Polo, green bottle, Ralph Lauren. Does anyone remember how a little of that goes a longggg way. I had all four windows down in two blinks of Koko's eyes.
I'm writing it down, tell the groomer to perfume next time.
The scent of the cologne caused some feel good hormones to kick of in my system.
That phenomenon of sense causing a biological reaction in me is the same reason there are certain favorite foods are hard for me to eat a normal portion of or at all. One of the first things I ever made for myself was Kraft Mac/cheese. It was tasty, warm, comforting and there was a whole box of it to work on until those hormones kicked on and made me feel better. I will never understand how 4 whole servings are supposet to come from that little box. I just always made to incase someone else wanted some.
For me, the simple act of taking in noursishment has never been the same thing that people without food or weight issues deal with.
Right before I left my apartment in Dallas I was in a really dreadful place. I found a friend i had actually been through treatment with to go to my favorite Mexican joint. I of course ordered the monster platter for myself. I was talking with my friend Lori, stressing and the sat the little side plate with the cold stuff and a taco and then a hubcab sized plate that was just about one of the most spectacular sights i will ever see with the browns and golds and yellow heaped up.
All the sudden it was like someone had inject liquid valium into my veins , without even touching the food with a fork I was completely calmed, eased and peaced out.
I saw, for the very first time, clearly that food did for me what I couldn't. It made me feel safe. It made me feel centered and alive. Right before I started eating I had the moment of clarity some of my friends have had with other forms of self medicating. As the first queso covered bite of slid down my throat I heard that voice in my head say, "Clinton, you are screwed!
That was ten years ago. Food still does that for me. I can pick up the phone and fine someone to go get a bite with in 20 minutes, I could call for twenty days and would find no one to go drink with me. lol
First things first I've learned. Let's stop the behavior that is going to kill you, mame you or have you locked up. Done.
I'm left with this food thing now. I'm 41 and for 31 years this has been an issue. I ate before I ever drank, drugged or sexed my way to a faux peace.
Overeating for me is like one of the diseases that has to be managed daily like diabetes.
You know you have a bear on your ass but still when you look over your shoulder your reminded, DAMN! I've got a bear on my ass.
But, he didn't smell that way this time. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt she didn't realize how well she soak him in the the spray bottle. He jumped in the car, I shut the door and by the time I was inside I was completely overwhelmed with 1986 memories. That lady drench my dog in Polo, green bottle, Ralph Lauren. Does anyone remember how a little of that goes a longggg way. I had all four windows down in two blinks of Koko's eyes.
I'm writing it down, tell the groomer to perfume next time.
The scent of the cologne caused some feel good hormones to kick of in my system.
That phenomenon of sense causing a biological reaction in me is the same reason there are certain favorite foods are hard for me to eat a normal portion of or at all. One of the first things I ever made for myself was Kraft Mac/cheese. It was tasty, warm, comforting and there was a whole box of it to work on until those hormones kicked on and made me feel better. I will never understand how 4 whole servings are supposet to come from that little box. I just always made to incase someone else wanted some.
For me, the simple act of taking in noursishment has never been the same thing that people without food or weight issues deal with.
Right before I left my apartment in Dallas I was in a really dreadful place. I found a friend i had actually been through treatment with to go to my favorite Mexican joint. I of course ordered the monster platter for myself. I was talking with my friend Lori, stressing and the sat the little side plate with the cold stuff and a taco and then a hubcab sized plate that was just about one of the most spectacular sights i will ever see with the browns and golds and yellow heaped up.
All the sudden it was like someone had inject liquid valium into my veins , without even touching the food with a fork I was completely calmed, eased and peaced out.
I saw, for the very first time, clearly that food did for me what I couldn't. It made me feel safe. It made me feel centered and alive. Right before I started eating I had the moment of clarity some of my friends have had with other forms of self medicating. As the first queso covered bite of slid down my throat I heard that voice in my head say, "Clinton, you are screwed!
That was ten years ago. Food still does that for me. I can pick up the phone and fine someone to go get a bite with in 20 minutes, I could call for twenty days and would find no one to go drink with me. lol
First things first I've learned. Let's stop the behavior that is going to kill you, mame you or have you locked up. Done.
I'm left with this food thing now. I'm 41 and for 31 years this has been an issue. I ate before I ever drank, drugged or sexed my way to a faux peace.
Overeating for me is like one of the diseases that has to be managed daily like diabetes.
You know you have a bear on your ass but still when you look over your shoulder your reminded, DAMN! I've got a bear on my ass.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)