Sometimes that does happen

the value of our time

 I was just talking about the value of our life and our time this week with my therapist. We have roughly 50,000 heart beats in a 24 hour period and we all have a finite number of days/and or / heartbeats. So the things I choose to spend time on today, I am actually trading heartbeats for.So, I ask myself, is this really worth my time? If I spend an hour on something it is roughly4620 beats. Hope it's worth it cause we don't get those back.

"fun"?

Sometimes we confuse a lonely-restless combination for the need to do something "Fun" . When I feel like I need to lose myself in "fun" I am actually needed some deep fulfillment in my spirit, not bells and whistles or real hot ass. lol Faux-feelment versus Fulfillment has got me into trouble most of my life. lol I know the difference today but that doesn't always bar me from seeking outside titillation. I have that choice today and I can way the pro's, con's and consequences. Recovery lets me do that.

· · 14 minutes ago ·

This "purpose" stuff.

I don't really know if we all have a reason for being here. I am up to here with people looking for their "purpose". It doesn't feel like the truth to me. What does feel truthful to me is we all have possibility to GIVE our lives purpose based on our experiences and particular talents we came here with. My only real task is discovering who I really am, who I came to the planet being and finding a way to make the world a better place for a moment.

cool Gif

Just waiting/

My mom told my sister she had to leave because she wouldn't quit doing drugs in my mothers house. My sister had the audacity to be incredulous about it. There is an arrogance with active users that is very very hard to forgive. Anyway, I'm sure she will be back but I do believe it's good for her. Life hasn't given her many consequences from her addiction so being let out of the house is a good thing.

I'm just a bystander, a watcher. I have no power over what happens or doesn't between them  Just watching.

MRI results

Just quick and over the phone. Brain has no abnormalities, Neck=completely a mess. Appointing pending with the neck doctor. I'm 44 too young for surgery, hope injections and maybe losing weight will help the pressure on my spine. It's not tumahhhhh. lol

Live and learn and freak on occasion.

I had to have two MRI's done this morning in a veil of secrecy. lol I don't want my family fucking up my many possible maladies. Anyway, I've had MRI's before , 3 infact, the old fashion tube kind. So I though the open air MRI would be a piece of cake. Turns out it it just means your arms are able to reach out. The guy put me in the thing, and I am one calm cool bastard until I open my eyes and see that the ceiling was two inches from my face and the had me strapped in to some concoction akin to a football mask. I started losing my shitl. I kept saying "hello, hello" trying to sound like I might simply need a bit of fresh air. When I realized there was no way to communicate I decide to use all my "tragically cool points" and let them know I needed help.  I'll never see that man again why I was embarrassed to tell him I  couldn't breath. So he rolled me out , reconfigured the head gear and asked me to try again. It was at first a battle of the truth in my head versus the messages of distress my body sent out. I had him cover my eyes with a towel. So clang clang clang went the trolly and he finally rolled me out. MRI number one, a finished. Roll out reconfigure and MRI of Brain is done. I am rolled and thinking I am billy badassary and he tells me only one more. This is one that is done after you are given a shot of something that  shows up in specific places (i guess). The last one I was very anxious again. So weird I would I would get claustrophobic at 44. If I hadn't learned mediation and relaxation techniques I would have never never made it through the first MRI, oh hell I would have told the guy I needed to run to the bathroom and never looked back. I'm so glad that is over.

If this was the last day I was on earth

When I remember to play "my last day here",. I see things I would otherwise miss. The particular shade green or the peculiar shape of a tree, the smell of coffee and how it smell beckons me to the pot even though I rarely drink it. How a song on the radio brings back of flood of memories dripping with the smells and sounds of the time right along with it. I look at the loved ones I have with such compassion and gratitude as I notice things like how time has shown up around their eyes or the drape of the skin on their neck. I see a woman standing  two lines down at the grocery and my  chest fills up with sadness as I read the misery on her face and the slope of her shoulders that have bore more weight than they should have. The kid playing near my feet isn't an annoyance , more a study of how even  a dirty check out isle is a great place to play with a hot wheels car. The disparity of the sad lady's energy and the fresh energy of this kid is not lost to me.  The lady a head of me hopes their is enough money on her card to pay for the small amount of items. I suddenly feel  weight of having enough food on a daily basis to grow a kid and a family. I take the time to experience the sensation of my own weight on my feet as I see a wheel chair bound man roll in to shop. Suddenly I am in gratitude that I can get in and out of a car without help, move quickly through the store to collect the things I want , not just what I need. It's a big thing for me to comprehend with each breath that I have every thing, EVERY thing I need and most of my wants.  I see the sad lady lug her groceries to the parking lot and get in a vehicle that looks as weary and tired as she. A kid cries and to her and suddenly her face lights up as the kid throws the car door open for his mommy.

That is just an hours worth of observing life like I was leaving the planet tomorrow. Last week when I did "last day here", i was hypnotized by an out of place that of cane growing behind the Sonic and the wind was causing it all to blow in circles but in opposite directions why the sun light beating down it is made it appear to me outlined in silver.

When I slow down and observe, my life is enriched in ways I would never have guessed. Time with friends is felt and treasured, food is amazing and even the feel of my body in the seat of a car that is moving is a sensations worth noticing.  Using all my senses purposely really fills my spirit and I  wish I lived that way everyday. While, I am closer to it than ever before , I'm miles away. I'm here for the full meal deal , and I'm "all in Motherfucker".