The testosterone treatment seems to be helping on every level. I haven't had any Soma, Ambien or Xanax in 4 months today. I haven't smoked in 2 months and I have weight watered my way through the first month. I am throwing myself into living my life and making new friends as I go. I'm in a large amount of gratitude that this really is my life.
I can't tell you how shocking it is to have a day where there doesn't seem to be enough time in it to get everything done. It's very different the prior to cleaning up the days were sooooo long.
Just for today
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Heaven is a place on earth.
I woke up this morning. I didn't "come to". I gently came out of my sleep and allowed my brain to orient me. I remembered I had a really great day yesterday. I took care of myself with 2 meetings, no smoking and I didn't over eat and NO DRUGS. I extended myself with truth to a trusted friend and was received lovingly. I was really "with" all the people I was actually with and I think I extended myself to a stranger. I made the most out of being a human on the 3rd rock that I could possibly be. I am proud of myself and inspired that if I do the same things today, I will wake up tomorrow and be in good position to wake up feeling like that again.
I read some inspiring notes this morning and I am filled with gratitude and hope. Those are two things that I don't come by easily. They should be the most natural things in the world to have when you are a human, like me that has so much to be thankful for. BUT, I am an addict. I see things upside down and occasionally backwards. I need other addicts to redirect my thinking on the days I simply can't find the way to peace on my own.
When I started writing music, the first thing I realized was no one can tell you you're singing a song wrong if it is your own song, truth and music your singing. I am so thankful today that I know some big truths about myself that no one can dispute. I may introduce myself to a stranger because I have been suggested to, but the connection of caring and truth is uniquely mine. Compassion is under valued in America. I know most people won't get this, but the energy that is created when I love a stranger or a friend, without expectation or motive I create a live energy that is released into the universe that feeds the source of all goodness, whatever that is, God, Buddha or a little old lady that lives in Flint Michigan who is secretly pulling all the strings.
The opposite force of love, which I think is fear will rob me of any peace, satisfaction or serenity I have when I surrender to its distrust. Fear waits for me to be dishonest and then uses my very own actions to separate me from the herd and become vulnerable. My name is Clinton Gandy. I am here for the serenity and freedom. Take my hand , we can find our way together. We can take turns being the smart one, the talented one, the pretty one until we get to the ultimate place in the heart of the universe. The place where we match calamity with serenity, despair becomes hope and peace will extinguish all fears.
My name is Clinton Gandy. I am a 42 year old human on the planet earth. I've made huge mistakes and had fantastical successes. I see, what I look for. What I focus on , expands.
Thank you for adjusting my perception yesterday. I woke up in heaven this morning.
"Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth ?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We'll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh heaven is a place on earth"...............Belinda Carlisle
I read some inspiring notes this morning and I am filled with gratitude and hope. Those are two things that I don't come by easily. They should be the most natural things in the world to have when you are a human, like me that has so much to be thankful for. BUT, I am an addict. I see things upside down and occasionally backwards. I need other addicts to redirect my thinking on the days I simply can't find the way to peace on my own.
When I started writing music, the first thing I realized was no one can tell you you're singing a song wrong if it is your own song, truth and music your singing. I am so thankful today that I know some big truths about myself that no one can dispute. I may introduce myself to a stranger because I have been suggested to, but the connection of caring and truth is uniquely mine. Compassion is under valued in America. I know most people won't get this, but the energy that is created when I love a stranger or a friend, without expectation or motive I create a live energy that is released into the universe that feeds the source of all goodness, whatever that is, God, Buddha or a little old lady that lives in Flint Michigan who is secretly pulling all the strings.
The opposite force of love, which I think is fear will rob me of any peace, satisfaction or serenity I have when I surrender to its distrust. Fear waits for me to be dishonest and then uses my very own actions to separate me from the herd and become vulnerable. My name is Clinton Gandy. I am here for the serenity and freedom. Take my hand , we can find our way together. We can take turns being the smart one, the talented one, the pretty one until we get to the ultimate place in the heart of the universe. The place where we match calamity with serenity, despair becomes hope and peace will extinguish all fears.
My name is Clinton Gandy. I am a 42 year old human on the planet earth. I've made huge mistakes and had fantastical successes. I see, what I look for. What I focus on , expands.
Thank you for adjusting my perception yesterday. I woke up in heaven this morning.
"Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth ?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We'll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh heaven is a place on earth"...............Belinda Carlisle
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
All in Mutha Fuckers
At this time I don't have any idea how to be in a program of recovery except to push all my chips into the pot and go all in. It proves the quickest way for me to get relief and the huge benefits I have, I am, and I will receive. Emerson in the directions t o a new way of life quickly makes me feel better. Makes me feel a part of rather than apart. I really, honestly don't know how to do this without going ,"All in! Mutha Fuckers". I'm here for the renovation and redemption. I am in this recycling program because I'm tired of the secret ache and the slow bleed.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Im back to possibility
I've shared before that possibility as a concept means way more to me than hope. I can do something, take some action in this moment to bring about an outcome or a thing I want. If I sat around hoping to get that outcome or thing, it would be no more powerful than a childs wish. Life takes action of some sort, some kinetic motion that orders, reorders or arranges things in your desired direction. If I wanted to be a supermodel. The action I could take in this moment would be to put down the chocolate breakfast cake and go exercise, or steam clean my pores. There are so many tiny things that I can do, or do differently to cause a desired affect. Each action creates energy and the universe loves the energy that creative actions or people make. Creative energy is like the stem cell to the universe. It is the purest , strongest, most loving of all energies and it heals the planet, the universe and each of us.
I dare you, today, to do something creative, create a possibility for yourself or someone else. Let you actions create the wave that shatters the glass between you , me and creation.
I dare you, today, to do something creative, create a possibility for yourself or someone else. Let you actions create the wave that shatters the glass between you , me and creation.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
and we bury a tired resentment.
Wow, had an epiphany driving today. Something in me has healed regarding religion. I had what would be akin to the "Battered Wife Syndrome" where church is. To prevent an assault, I have very proactive about striking first.
I feel very strongly about my level and approach to spirituality and I was thinking that maybe the peace and wonder I experience is the same that religious people feel at church, only they call it something different. There is way more strings with the organized stuff, but the main thing is not everyone is out to damn me and tell me all the reasons I deserve an eternity in the version of hell.
I'm frankly tired of the WELL DESERVED chip on my shoulder regarding christians. They aren't all homophobic, zealots who thrive on judgment and condemnation but the ones who get TV deals and protest at soldier's funerals are I think FUCKING MEAN ASS NUTS.
I am not meant to enter the spiritual flow through old school means, but I do believe my friends have used the churches for their entrance into the flow and we end up at the same place spiritually.
At the core of all the religions I have read about, the fundamentals of love, tolerance and service are the cornerstones. The rest seems to get mucked up the the "Business" of religion and church.
People do Fucked up stuff in the name of religion, and that is never going to change. I have changed though. I don't fear those people anymore. There is no place in my recovery life for that deep deep fear any longer.
I had to be shown. I've made friends with a couple of people who have their faith and organized services yet they are able to come into a recover centered 12 group and never once introduce the outside issue of their faith into the meeting, and I think they like me and I really like them.
When i saw one friend's post on a social network before I knew she was fond of organized worship, I was really devastated because I like her so much in the meeting but she was KooKoo Christian on a post. I talked about it and got over the fear. The experiences of your past will keep playing and playing unless you finally question it's present validity. Does this resentment fit my life or reflect my own spirit of humanity?
Really Really tired of wagging that issue around and today I have hope I'm getting somewhere. We never get anywhere holding a past against each other. We need each other to much, my actual life depends on me trusting you.
The lovely, lovely paradox is, the bigger break I give to others, the bigger the break I give myself and vice versa.
I feel very strongly about my level and approach to spirituality and I was thinking that maybe the peace and wonder I experience is the same that religious people feel at church, only they call it something different. There is way more strings with the organized stuff, but the main thing is not everyone is out to damn me and tell me all the reasons I deserve an eternity in the version of hell.
I'm frankly tired of the WELL DESERVED chip on my shoulder regarding christians. They aren't all homophobic, zealots who thrive on judgment and condemnation but the ones who get TV deals and protest at soldier's funerals are I think FUCKING MEAN ASS NUTS.
I am not meant to enter the spiritual flow through old school means, but I do believe my friends have used the churches for their entrance into the flow and we end up at the same place spiritually.
At the core of all the religions I have read about, the fundamentals of love, tolerance and service are the cornerstones. The rest seems to get mucked up the the "Business" of religion and church.
People do Fucked up stuff in the name of religion, and that is never going to change. I have changed though. I don't fear those people anymore. There is no place in my recovery life for that deep deep fear any longer.
I had to be shown. I've made friends with a couple of people who have their faith and organized services yet they are able to come into a recover centered 12 group and never once introduce the outside issue of their faith into the meeting, and I think they like me and I really like them.
When i saw one friend's post on a social network before I knew she was fond of organized worship, I was really devastated because I like her so much in the meeting but she was KooKoo Christian on a post. I talked about it and got over the fear. The experiences of your past will keep playing and playing unless you finally question it's present validity. Does this resentment fit my life or reflect my own spirit of humanity?
Really Really tired of wagging that issue around and today I have hope I'm getting somewhere. We never get anywhere holding a past against each other. We need each other to much, my actual life depends on me trusting you.
The lovely, lovely paradox is, the bigger break I give to others, the bigger the break I give myself and vice versa.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The smartest suggestion I've gotten that changes everything.
You have to decide for yourself, is the world a safe place or is it not. Is it a world of plenty or is it a world of lack.
Believe or not most of a persons action in their lives can boil down to do I inherently believe there is enough for me in the world or not. What I encounter after that decision is based on my answer.
Is there too little or enough, is it dangerous or am I safe.
that is some heavy heavy shit.
Believe or not most of a persons action in their lives can boil down to do I inherently believe there is enough for me in the world or not. What I encounter after that decision is based on my answer.
Is there too little or enough, is it dangerous or am I safe.
that is some heavy heavy shit.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
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