trying to get back in the swing of things

It is harder than I would think to get active in life again. Make appointments with friends, stopping by the mall to see where a new friend works. One thing is my car is a rolling piece of possible disaster, the other is the fact I live in a different town than everyone one else. My friend Hill lives in the same town as me though and I can't seem to make it over there either. Coming back to live is a slower process than I thought it would be. I keep trying and eventually I will make some progress. I love the old saying "slow and steady wins the race". It gives me permission to take my time.

I'm tired

Participating in life and in recovery is really tiring when your used to being inactive and sloth-y. I'll try to get here tomorrow with more words.

The Promise of Next.

I shared briefly the other day about my compulsion to periodically rid myself of things. My clothes have been pared down to the minimum and my actual "things" could fit in a trunk. I have always felt sort of embarrassed that things didn't mean to much to me but now I think I am glad. I am not a slave to things and I don't love anything that doesn't have the capability of loving me back.

Heterosexual men, that I have know are caught up in things. Having things, getting the next thing completely describes my dad. He loves the wrong things. That is sad and it makes me sad that he isn't able to make a real connection with my sister or me. It seems like such a waste. I hope I don't make the same choices he made, I hope I don't suddenly find "things" so important.

More than anything I want to have a heart that is reached and reaches people as honestly and real as possible and not bedazzled by the promise of next, bigger, newer.

The flow.

I am going to name my Higher Power , FLOW. The flow of the earth, nature and the universe is my HP. The way the rivers travel to the sea, the way a seed burst out of the soil to become a fruit and even the spinning of the earth. There is a flow, when I remove myself from it, I feel pain and I try everything to ease the pain. Luckily I have made it back into the flow.

Freedom's just another word for nothing else to lose

Several people in my family have a hard time with their "Things" they don't want to get rid of anything in case they might need it. The collection of things give them an identity of sorts. I have very few things and at least 4 times a year I go through all of my stuff and rid myself of it.

I'm not saying I am right and they are wrong nor am I saying that "thing" collecting could ever work for me. I am aware that in the world of the spirit, you must constantly make room by shedding things to make room for the new to come in. "In with the old, out with the new", it's like my favorite analogy from an eastern religion that compares life to a bowl. When the bowl is empty, then and only then is it useful. One the bowl is full, it isn't any good to anyone. Life is about filling, emptying and refilling and emptying our "Bowls".

By holding on to useless old ideas, we don't make room for any new one. New ideas and new experiences are our lifeblood. Since there is no graduation of life we have to constantly keep trying to grow and experience or we get full, stagnant and infectious.

The spirituality I understand at the moment is about the flow of the universe. When I am going against the "flow" it hurts and I get know where. If I try to remove myself from the "flow" all together I am so desperately lonely I want to die.

But, when I am on my game, letting go of old ideas, old pain/hurts and a mind set on personal destruction, I can inter "The flow".

When you are flowing you know it. Things happen without struggle and a tree is a tree, a flower is a flower. I'm being what I was put here to be.

The only true peace I have ever known is in "The Flow".

I give myself permission to......

Don't I know that feeling.

Getting to Know you, getting to know all about you

Partly because of the times I grew up in and partly because I am an addict, I prefer things to happen instantly. Getting to know my sponsor and other people in the program takes a lot longer than I wish it did and sometimes if feels so terribly awkward. I've known the young man who is sponsoring me for a while but not well. I was sober when when he was coming in to the AA program and have ran into him on the street a couple times. He is very kind and knows the literature frontwards and backwards, which impresses me. But he has the program running through every fiber of his being which is what I want. He is just a really nice man.

BUT getting to know him and sharing with him on the phone is still uncomfortable. Like I said, really getting to know someone is very very awkward. It feels a little like Helen Keller looked int he movie of her life when she was grasping at thin air and moaning because she couldn't speak, trying desperately to accomplish what she was going for.

I have been trying to learn names. Names are hard for me because I get so socially freaked out I can't remember them. My sponsor wants me to start getting phone numbers at meetings too even if I never call them.

final note for Sunday

I realized at the noon N/A meeting today that the more I am around Narcotics Anonymous the more I see that I would like for my life. I see new possibilities and there is a real excitement inside me that the complete, total, ground up overhaul of a life that has happened to others is happening to me.

Exciting. Goodnight.