My all time favorite moment on tv was in 1999 when on her 19th nomination Susan Lucci won her first Emmy. For 18 years the swell of support for her grew and grew and her losing streak was legendary and widely talked about even by non-soap people. But at her 19th try when Shemar Moore announced "The Streak is over Susan Lucci". It suddenly was about much more than a trophy, the audience turned into screaming, weeping energy producers. People like me at home suddenly felt the overwhelming rush of emotion like we had just heard our name called out. She even mentions in her 5 minute acceptance speech that she was glad she didn't win because she would have had all the consolation cards and cakes her kids made her to feel better.
I just watched the U.S. Nation Men's Figure Skating finals where a great young guy who I have rooted for for 11 years, get past injury and self doubt, the changing of the sport to put it all together in a meet that he almost retired after last year. It was just thrilling and I felt like I had just won when he became the 2011 US. Men's Figure Skating Champion Ryan Bradley.
When you make Nestle Toll House Cookies, the recipe calls for like a quarter teaspoon of salt. Well, that is insane because you wouldn't put salt a sweet cookie. Preposterous! But the salt, makes the sweet and the chocolate even more delicious.
Time is the salt in my cookie recipe. Some things gain their most importance when you didn't get it right away. I know that I have been in/around 12 step programs for over 18 years and my recovery is very much sweeter because it has taken this long. And I have many people who are invested in my recovery because they have seen me flounder but they know I have to get this on my time, but your terms.
Maybe the next time I don't get the thing or result I want, I can recall this entry to my blog. If I don't, someone please remind me. The same thing that makes antiques valuable can make moments in life more valuable too.
Just for today
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Worry is not love and it steals your inner peace, bit by bit
I've been anxious most of the day regarding my sister and her substance abuse issues. I am well away that we all have to get to the point of wanting help on our own, but I can't help but wonder if there is anything I can do.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
If you don't know I love you, if you can't hear the words or see all the actions that I take to show you, then at some point I have to admit to myself, I have done all I can do. I have to be ok with the fact I can't convince you of my love and all I can do is all I can do. There is an endless stream of hoops you can line up for me to jump through but today I know all I can do is all I can do. I wish I had the heart language to get through to yours, but I fear I never will.
Monday, January 24, 2011
It isn't the concept, it is the word "God" that I react badly too.
Straight people do not seem to understand that from the moment I knew I was different meaning gay, I have felt or seen little of anyone that claimed to be a follower of "God" to lead me to believe that I was in for nothing but pain and abuse by them. I hear "God" and my very cellular structures react by retreating and getting ready for another glancing blow from the team of the righteous.
I've been abused by theology , I've been bullied by people who claim to be "GOD?S" followers to the point that as soon as I hear GOD, I am ready to curl up into the fetal position to protect myself from the karate kicks.
We are talking 30 years of being pointed out, singled out, mocked, derided , castigated , casted out, bullied, and read for filth. Told repeatedly that I was not worth saving unless I did one thing. Deny who I am. Even when I tried doing that I never felt the relief that was promised. I did exactly as I was instructed to do and I still could not connection to "God" which made me think the things you said was true. There was no place for me in spirituality.
Saturday when I was so upset about the way the word "God" was invoked and was given credit for writing the literature in Narcotics Anonymous, all the old abuse issues came right back and suddenly I questioned how in the fuck did I let myself be vulnerable again.
I have a love concept of a Higher Power. If a Muslim, or a Jew or a Buddhist would have been speaking I would not have felt my body shut down and go into protect from abuse mode.
I do not know if I will EVER no associated the word GOD with anything that is approachable or connectable to any way of life I have. Nothing good has ever happened to me that is associated with that word-God.
I usually just sub in "Higher Power" when I hear the word God in a meeting but there was just to much mention Saturday and the whole gathering seem to take on the feel of an old camp revival.
I've been abused by theology , I've been bullied by people who claim to be "GOD?S" followers to the point that as soon as I hear GOD, I am ready to curl up into the fetal position to protect myself from the karate kicks.
We are talking 30 years of being pointed out, singled out, mocked, derided , castigated , casted out, bullied, and read for filth. Told repeatedly that I was not worth saving unless I did one thing. Deny who I am. Even when I tried doing that I never felt the relief that was promised. I did exactly as I was instructed to do and I still could not connection to "God" which made me think the things you said was true. There was no place for me in spirituality.
Saturday when I was so upset about the way the word "God" was invoked and was given credit for writing the literature in Narcotics Anonymous, all the old abuse issues came right back and suddenly I questioned how in the fuck did I let myself be vulnerable again.
I have a love concept of a Higher Power. If a Muslim, or a Jew or a Buddhist would have been speaking I would not have felt my body shut down and go into protect from abuse mode.
I do not know if I will EVER no associated the word GOD with anything that is approachable or connectable to any way of life I have. Nothing good has ever happened to me that is associated with that word-God.
I usually just sub in "Higher Power" when I hear the word God in a meeting but there was just to much mention Saturday and the whole gathering seem to take on the feel of an old camp revival.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
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